||[Jul. 7th, 2006|06:18 pm]
|||||Girl on the Wing~The Shins||]|
My heels are high, my eyes cast low
and I don't know how to love.
I get too tired after mid-day, lately
I take it out on my good friends,
but the worst stays in or where would I begin?
My office glows all night long.
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone.
Elevator, elevator, take me home.
I don't have much to say. My life has pretty much been all about responsibility lately. I guess i'm currently working three jobs. I just go from one job to another and then I go to bed then wake up and go to work again. If i'm not at work then I'm either visiting my grandmom so we can bond before I leave or doing some other nessecary task. I suppose I don't mind it. I've become pretty much a workaholic lately. But it's okay because I plan it this way, I can't even complain. I like it. I'm a weirdo I know.
My parents hate me and I think they will continue hating me until the day I die. But it's okay because I leave in not even two months.
My birthday is on Tuesday! I work hah! I don't think my birthday will be too wonderful anyways since my family hates me and I have no friends :)
Speaking of which, I think i'm just outright disappointed in people. Maybe my expectations of my friends are too high, but I shouldn't think so. I mean my thing is that when you have friends they are supposed to be there for you when you need them to be or even when you don't. When you call them they should return your telephone calls, they should ask you to hang out, and they shouldn't only call you to talk about themselves and their latest problem of how they can't hang out with a guy they shouldnt even be dating in the first place. I'm just sick of constantly being put second to the newest guy of the month. I'm sick of being lied to. I feel like there is no honesty with this whole dating situation, because they know I don't approve of the whole thing to begin with. I just get a bad feeling about the whole thing. You should date people that share your values, the kind of person that you would consider marrying if that's where the situation led. I don't get it, why would you dae someone that things couldn't possibly work out with. Whatever they don't listen to a word I say so why waste my time. But whatever i'm always right about this stuff.
You know what you should never tell your best friend you've been meaning to call them for the last couple days but have been too busy when you know they are angry with you. You tell me that during days you didn;t have five minutes to call your best friend.
I think the bottom line is just that people change. It's become apparent that my best friend and I are becoming less and less alike as time goes on. We're just aiming to move in two completely opposite directions I feel. I don't feel like i've changed any, but maybe I have. However I know that she's changed. I suppose I've just been blaming her self-involvedness on the guy that she's been dating but maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with him. I mean there's some things I know are because of him, or at least there relationship but not everything. Whatever maybe it's just better that our friendship ends now, not that she cares at all. I mean not unless it had any affect on her and bob. But whatever. I'm past the angry mark, i'm just disappointed in her as a person.
Despite my social awkwardness and failure with any type of human relationship in existence. I'm content. My parents may hate me and my best friend may have forgotten that I exist, but it doesn't matter. I realized today that I focus way too much on my struggles, but Heavenly Father has given me so many blessings. I have great jobs, and I get paid well. I know that I'm going to be able to pay for college. I went running today it was beautiful. I realized that Heavenly Father will bless me with whatever I need as long as I pray with a sincere heart. I'm getting baptized on Saturday and I am so happy. I feel that i've been doing a lot better at keeping good values. I just have to watch my anger issues. I can be really nasty to people. It feels real good at the time to really tell someone off that makes you angry, but then when I pray at night or read my scriptures I'll think back to that and realize that it was really unessecary and that treating people so badly won't get me anywhere. Like there's this woman I work that works on the ASSIST line. I can not stand her! I want to tell her off so badly! But I won't.....
Well at least hopefully not....