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Blacking Out the Friction [Jul. 9th, 2006|05:11 pm]
[mood |indescribableindescribable]
[music |Sick Little Suicide- The Matches]

Exercise and malnutrition keep curves tight, cause all that matters is what's outside.

The past couple days have been pretty good. I managed to work some overtime at Access Group Saturday. Boy do I love my job, all I did for 5 hours was play on the internet and got paid time and a half.  They ordered all sorts of Panera Bread for breakfast, they bought us Olive Garden for lunch. On the other hand Aeropostale isn't the best job ever, however I can tolerate it. 

But what better Saturday can you have than O/T at Access Group, toaster strudels, more work at Aero, and last but certainly not least Charcoal Pit with Danny. 

Today was pretty great also. I thought church would be awkward. No such bad luck, church was fantastic. I really love everyone there. I'm also so excited for my baptism, i'm inviting everyone I see practically. I guess it's weird to invite so many people to a baptism. But this is something that is so special to me that I want to be able to share it with all of my friends!

On a more negative note my parents and I were fighting AGAIN tonight. I feel like this house is enough to drive a person to tears almost every single of the week.

And finally....

Katiemary: there isn't anyhing u can do
Katiemary: u gain friends and lose them in life
Katiemary: u fought for her quite a bit already
Katiemary: maybe it's not worth it

I've prayed about this and I feel that Heavenly Father will help me to do whatever it is that I need to do about this situation. I don't know honestly, which is the better person thing to do... suck it up and be a good friend anyways or just let this friendship go. I know that friends are supposed to be there for each other no matter what, but honestly where does the line get drawn. I don't want to be a door mat that gets walked all over either. I feel like she's pretty much already made a decision and chose Bob over me. I'm sorry but that's unacceptable. We've been friends for five years, if a guy shes been dating for a month takes priority over someone she's been such close friends with for so long then I feel that it's better that we're just not friends at all. I had already told myself that's probrably the best way for dealing with someone like that. It's just hard when you're friends with someone for so long, you just want your old friend back. Then you stop and realize that may not ever happen.  So I'll gain friends and lose them I suppose, I had just thought that she was one of those friends that I'd be friends with still ten years from now. But when a friend chooses a guy over her best friend then why should I sit around and waste tears over it. Apparently they're not worth it. 

So what's left to do now? Have fun at life with what I have and with what i'm doing, and look hott kicking everyday's butt!

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(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2006|06:18 pm]
[Current Location |my bedroom]
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |Girl on the Wing~The Shins]

My heels are high, my eyes cast low
and I don't know how to love.
I get too tired after mid-day, lately
I take it out on my good friends,
but the worst stays in or where would I begin?

My office glows all night long.
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone.
Elevator, elevator, take me home.

I don't have much to say. My life has pretty much been all about responsibility lately. I guess i'm currently working three jobs. I just go from one job to another and then I go to bed then wake up and go to work again. If i'm not at work then I'm either visiting my grandmom so we can bond before I leave or doing some other nessecary task. I suppose I don't mind it. I've become pretty much a workaholic lately. But it's okay because I plan it this way, I can't even complain. I like it. I'm a weirdo I know. 

My parents hate me and I think they will continue hating me until the day I die. But it's okay because I leave in not even two months. 

My birthday is on Tuesday! I work hah! I don't think my birthday will be too wonderful anyways since my family hates me and I have no friends :) 

Speaking of which, I think i'm just outright disappointed in people. Maybe my expectations of my friends are too high, but I shouldn't think so. I mean my thing is that when you have friends they are supposed to be there for you when you need them to be or even when you don't. When you call them they should return your telephone calls, they should ask you to hang out, and they shouldn't only call you to talk about themselves and their latest problem of how they can't hang out with a guy they shouldnt even be dating in the first place. I'm just sick of constantly being put second to the newest guy of the month. I'm sick of being lied to. I feel like there is no honesty with this whole dating situation, because they know I don't approve of the whole thing to begin with. I just get a bad feeling about the whole thing. You should date people that share your values, the kind of person that you would consider marrying if that's where the situation led. I don't get it, why would you dae someone that things couldn't possibly work out with. Whatever they don't listen to a word I say so why waste my time. But whatever i'm always right about this stuff.
You know what you should never tell your best friend you've been meaning to call them for the last couple days but have been too busy when you know they are angry with you. You tell me that during days you didn;t have five minutes to call your best friend. 

I think the bottom line is just that people change. It's become apparent that my best friend and I are becoming less and less alike as time goes on. We're just aiming to move in two completely opposite directions I feel. I don't feel like i've changed any, but maybe I have. However I know that she's changed. I suppose I've just been blaming her self-involvedness on the guy that she's been dating but maybe it doesn't even have anything to do with him. I mean there's some things I know are because of him, or at least there relationship but not everything. Whatever maybe it's just better that our friendship ends now, not that she cares at all. I mean not unless it had any affect on her and bob. But whatever. I'm past the angry mark, i'm just disappointed in her as a person.

Despite my social awkwardness and failure with any type of human relationship in existence. I'm content. My parents may hate me and my best friend may have forgotten that I exist, but it doesn't matter. I realized today that I focus way too much on my struggles, but Heavenly Father has given me so many blessings. I have great jobs, and I get paid well. I know that I'm going to be able to pay for college. I went running today it was beautiful. I realized that Heavenly Father will bless me with whatever I need as long as I pray with a sincere heart. I'm getting baptized on Saturday and I am so happy. I feel that i've been doing a lot better at keeping good values. I just have to watch my anger issues. I can be really nasty to people. It feels real good at the time to really tell someone off that makes you angry, but then when I pray at night or read my scriptures I'll think back to that and realize that it was really unessecary and that treating people so badly won't get me anywhere. Like there's this woman I work that works on the ASSIST line. I can not stand her! I want to tell her off so badly! But I won't.....
Well at least hopefully not....

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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2006|06:19 pm]
[music |How to Save a Life- The Fray]

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(no subject) [May. 16th, 2006|06:24 pm]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]
[music |You Spin Me Right Round- Dead or Alive]

I am sooo thankful i'm going to be leaving.....

I am so thrilled i'm counting the days....

in case you were wondering
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2006|01:21 pm]
Some days I just hate all of humanity. It just can not be helped
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Shadows Searching in the Night [Apr. 23rd, 2006|02:38 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Don't Stop Believin {JOURNEY}<3]

So three pages down......

Only 105 more to go...


So i'm pretty sure im going here.

Less than 1300 students total...
it's cold

but its direct entry and far enough away yet close enough that I can come back if I need something.
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I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! [Apr. 20th, 2006|07:12 pm]
[mood |morosemorose]

So I guess things just keep getting worse and worse ;(

So where exactly is this breaking point when God realizes you can't take anymore? Because I just need this all to stop.
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Diary of the Girl No One Cares About Enough to Read [Apr. 19th, 2006|06:41 pm]
[music |The Fray<3]

I'm just confused. I don't know what I want to do with my life. My mind is like one giant oxymoron. I can't even explain it. I am constantly contradicting myself about all of my plans. I have to decide this week. This week will determine the rest of my life.

I think im just depressed. But not clinically depressed. Like the kind of depressed that only hits you when you actually think. I've been trying not to think. Things just seem better that way.

Why is it that I feel like my life is moving faster than I am. I feel like everything is falling apart. But I know it isn't, I know everything will be okay. But then again I dont. I suppose I hope everything will be okay.

I have all of these stupid thoughts and no one to tell them to. Because most don't care enough to listen. I suppose that's why I wouldnt mind leaving Delaware all that much. Because honestly who is there to miss me besides a select few. Im better off starting over.

I feel fat. I can't help it but I feel huge. I suppose its because I eat like food's going out of style. I think life would be better if I wasn't fat, or maybe if I had friends. Or maybe it would be better if I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

I suppose the worst part of it all is that I actually do know what I want to do with my life. But nothing works out the way you hope it will.

Maybe I should work on my research paper so then I can graduate from high school. Woopee that can be my one accomplishment in life.

I don't normally talk this openly about my negative feelings, but if you take a look at my friends list you can see that no one bothers to read this anyway. So it's just like my own personal diary.
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2006|11:37 am]
Uh oh! Who got accepted to University of Delaware?

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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2006|05:33 am]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Hide- Joy Williams]

I do believe there a snow flurries falling outside of my window. Silly mixed up weather.
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